in vacuo

let them know..

2011-11-02T23:24:00.003+11:00

..you realize that life goes fast,
its hard to make the good things last..
you realize the sun don't go down,
it's just an illusion of the world spinning round..

- the flaming lips - do you realize??

beautiful lyrics :)

lady on the piano

2011-09-27T02:42:00.005+10:00

i woke up pretty late today. getting out of bed has been rather difficult lately. i have accepted that it's just something that i go through regularly every couple of weeks. i could wake up perfectly fine for a few days straight and suddenly it becomes darned difficult. i think i've grown accustomed to it and come to think of it, i don't actually mind it.

i proceeded to take a shower and start my day. i've sort of established a route from home to city whereby i stop one station just before the main street in the city and walk across the bridge at yarra river. it's a very beautiful sight crossing the bridge no matter how the weather is and i find it rejuvenating. the next question after crossing the bridge is usually where should i get my coffee today. for me, that's one of the best questions ever and one i wouldn't mind answering any day.

i don't have classes today but i made it a point to just go out and get something done. so i went to the city library, took a seat, took out my laptop and started doing stuff. checked mails, social networks, chat .. the stuff people associate with using the internet nowadays. it's actually scary how attached we are to these online stuff considering how it keeps us on a permanent state of anxiety. plus it's ever growing and it just keeps getting bigger. it's also a habitual thing and you know just how hard it is to control habits.

anyways, after a while i took off my earphones because it's getting uncomfortable and that's when i heard someone playing the piano across the hall. it sounded impressive and got to my attention. i figured i'd go take a break, get a cup of coffee and on the way out stop by and check out who's playing. i packed my bags and took off, at the same time hoping no one takes my seat while i'm gone.

as i peeked behind the piano to see who's playing, i was pleasantly surprised to see an old lady dressed in haggard clothes passionately pressing and moving her fingers across the keys. there were already a few people watching. she placed her cart laden with white plastic bags filled with all sorts of stuff beside her while she played. by the looks of it, she might be a homeless person. at the time, all that didn't matter because the music she played and the sight of watching her play has already filled the moment and left no room for anything else to come through. she played really beautifully and her hands moved gracefully as if it never aged. she gave a bright smile after finishing a song and everyone clapped. after a couple of songs she thanked everyone and left. by that time, the number of people watching had quadrupled. i remember her saying, 'i felt like playing, thank you'.

i went downstairs and i saw her sitting on one of the benches and to my surprise, she was sleeping. it didn't look comfortable, but i really hope she had a good rest.

after all, she probably just felt like sleeping.

little bits

2011-08-09T06:14:00.001+10:00

0. working seems to take my mind off things. now that i'm not working, it's easier for my mind to wander off. hence why i'm writing this post.

1. politics is very ugly. the whole mechanism, at least in this country, seems to revolve around taking swipes and chances over other people's mistakes to leverage themselves. most of the leaders are opportunistic, which i find disturbing. i don't think being opportunistic paves the way for better governance or a better nation.

2. i need to start taking good care of my health and body. that means keeping an eye on my nutrition/diet and making the effort to exercise regularly. i think our generation age much faster than our parents, no thanks to the kind of food served today, especially fast food and processed food.

3. i've slowly stopped buying stuff i don't need and it feels good. that includes clothes/electronics/gadgets/toys etc. it's better to have a bit of extra money and have the peace of mind. on a side note, i hope i don't fall into the stingy category.

4. i don't know if this is possible to achieve considering the world we live in today, but i've made it a life goal to free myself from debts and to avoid anything that creates it e.g credit cards. if anyone were to ask me what's my plan/goal/ambition, my answer would be just that.

5. thanks to a friend, i've realized that consistent mental stimulation is something i need to motivate myself to keep moving forward. making coffees has proven to be a good method of supplying it. now that i've become a student again, i need to start searching for points of interest in my studies and keep digging.

6. there is a lot of uncertainty these days in the world and as a person living in it. being in the mid-20s, people tend to ask you what's your plan, goal and stuff. honestly, i really don't have much in mind yet, other than saving up as much as i can and keep making good progress at whatever i do. it's not that i'm not ambitious, i just think it's more important to keep it simple, be honest, progress and improve your character. after all, it's rather shallow to define "success" this early in life. goals are good, but if anything experience has taught me, god and nature always have better plans for us.

haha

2011-06-11T04:23:00.001+10:00

digital fortune cookies are fun.

attitude

2011-05-13T05:15:00.000+10:00

28/7 - 4/8

2011-05-06T05:35:00.002+10:00

http://splendourinthegrass.com/home.html

tickets are booked, the dream is on! the next 3 months is gonna be really interesting ... gotta make this one happen!

some thoughts

2011-04-07T04:04:00.005+10:00

1. since i started working i realize that staying positive is a skill in itself. i suppose this applies to all kinds of professions too, each one in their own circumstances. having said that, it's an ability that can be worked on and there are definitely ways to improve it.

2. creativity is something that needs to be exercised regularly, otherwise it becomes weak and complacent. very much like muscles and body fitness.

3. new music is very refreshing to the mind. i was at one point being too comfortable with my music collection and stopped looking for new songs to listen too. now i realize how much brighter life can be when you start spiraling outwards again. in this case, giving my brain and ears some new materials to listen to.

4. i was guilty of missing a lot of friday prayers recently. i finally attended one last week, and what a good familiar feeling it was. i almost forgot how humbling it is to be in commune and putting everything else behind to worship god. for a moment, there seems to be nothing else that mattered other than cherishing the opportunity to live.

5. looking at the good qualities of people around you is a great way to learn and improve yourself. the only requirement is to put your ego aside and compare the way they see things with yours. that can be hard actually, but i think it works quite well.

6. freelancing can be liberating, especially with time. but being your own boss isn't actually a walk in the park. there are days when i can't live with myself, mostly because of guilt trips over work delays, time management and such. breaking your own promises can be very stressful.

melodies

2011-03-22T07:19:00.004+11:00

in the midst of horrible events happening in the world recently, thank god there's music.

s

this goal by del boy made my day too. it's nice seeing older players showing great passion and love for the game..and what a goal.

saturated

2011-03-01T06:10:00.002+11:00

i hope i'm not being close-minded or anything like that, but right now i feel that the world is saturated. saturated with thoughts, opinions, ideas, news, gossip, chatter, fashion, disasters, celebrations....the whole lot.

for now, i think i'll try and keep quiet.

untitled

2011-02-17T08:35:00.003+11:00

haven't posted anything in a while.

watching barcelona playing arsenal right now in the champions league. arsenal are trying really hard against an ever efficient barcelona team. it's 1-0 nil down and if the game stays like this it's gonna be an interesting game at camp nou in the second leg.

started working with artisan and raw since december and finally passed my level 1 barista exam. it's been a fun and good experience so far, been learning a lot of stuff about coffee and meeting new people. really glad that i took up this opportunity, couldn't have asked for more.

wow, this game is really awesome. it's good that i'm a neutral fan that i can enjoy the game and not get caught up in emotions, still being able to put some attention to this screen.

arsenal won, and their victory just hijacked my blog post. i feel like i'm in that fever pitch movie.

artisan roast

2010-12-01T22:15:00.006+11:00

had an interview at artisan roast today.. i think it went quite well.

i'll be there next week during the day for training and if everything goes on well, i might get my first gig as a barista! so, do come down and visit the place, i promise it'll be a pleasure.

looking forward to getting the website jobs launched before the year end, that'll be an awesome way to end the year. it looks like taking this semester break isn't that bad after all.

and for that, i'm really thankful.

the social network

2010-11-28T09:27:00.001+11:00

thoughts on the movie:

every story has it's setting and in this movie, at least according to the events portrayed in it, the social settings of campus life seem like the perfect breeding ground for the idea. i think if the same exact idea was born in a different setting, it wouldn't grow to be what it is now.

an idea remains just an idea. it's stupid and retarded to claim an idea as yours just because you first thought of it. i still can't comprehend the whole logic behind intellectual property rights and whatnots.

there are no substitutes for enthusiasm and hard work regardless of how brilliant you are and how ingenious your idea is.

most things require a touch of 'madness', something radical to turn it into being special..taking it to the next level. i think sean parker provided the touch for facebook, and a whole lot of it can be credited to his asshole-like attitude.

certain things develop better under a dictator-like leadership.

it's kind of sad and ironic thinking such a useful thing is based on popularity contests.

it's a good and fun movie to watch.

i just had to

2010-11-14T18:22:00.000+11:00

share this awesome track.

42

2010-11-11T09:32:00.006+11:00

1. despite our supposed intelligence, i believe humans are the only clueless living thing in the whole universe. all other things act and react accordingly without question while humans squabble over the nature of their existence. humans are also the only source of stupidity in the whole universe.

2. it's easier to fall into the notion of money = success in KL. the environment are more conducive to develop such mindset. millionaire lifestyles are now advertised as a product in newspapers and magazines.

3. i think i'm beginning to understand the phrase "some things are better left unanswered". some questions are just too big of a context for an answer to fit.

4. the things we don't understand but do anyway are the questions better left unanswered. pondering upon them is not a short cut to getting the answers.

5. people often contradict themselves. that includes me, you and everyone else.

6. the universe doesn't need humans to exist. god doesn't need us too.

7. humans need both the universe and god.

8. it's hard to find skeptics that provide a solution, or even a suggestion.

9. if you preach, then you have no choice but to practice. otherwise, you'll start blaming others for everything. and for calling you a tool/idiot too.

10. i'm so glad and happy that i can now get really good coffee in my own neighbourhood.

peace.

there's a place in the sun

2010-10-24T23:20:00.009+11:00

just fucking awesome. epic and tragic at the same time. a great man, salute!

apparently there's a second version recorded by Nancy Sinatra. sounds just as awesome..a female voice makes it different

word of the day

2010-10-21T09:08:00.018+11:00

vitality (dictionary.com)

1. The capacity to live, grow, or develop: plants that lost their vitality when badly pruned.
2. Physical or intellectual vigor; energy. See Synonyms at vigor.
3. The characteristic, principle, or force that distinguishes living things from nonliving things.
4. Power to survive:

this word probably came up because i was reading the whole wayne rooney saga. i don't really think what's reported in the news really tells the whole story of what's going on. they look like just another set of typical reasons given by footballers to quit their clubs, which provokes predictable outcomes..either hate him or support him. to cut it short, i think if he really wants to leave the club, these explanations are the easiest way to see it happen quickly..which in the end, are probably what works for both the club and him.

vitality is one of the attributes for characters in video games and one that i rarely give attention too. it usually represents health (capacity and recovery) and toughness of the character, an indicator how long it can survive before dying. i suppose it's easily overlooked because it's just easier to measure seeing their "life-bar" or "hit-points" instead of guessing the character's condition. watching bars and numbers going up and down is easier to manage than observing vital signs and figuring out how to react.

for a human, i think it's a whole lot of factors that make up a person's vitality..health, motivation, passion, principles and so on. i tried figuring out what contributes to my vitality and it turned out to be a darn difficult question..at least to which are the really important ones. i suppose it's something for me to think about and should start keeping my eye on. the definition of "the capacity to live, grow and develop" and "physical and intellectual vigor" sounds just too serious to be ignored.

my 2 cents worth is that, if rooney is loosing the vitality to keep playing if he stays then it's probably most logical to let him leave regardless of the reasons. whatever real reasons should only matter to the club and him, considering how he was treated by the public recently. nobody buys such stories in football anymore anyway..sensational ones are much easier to be sold and managed.

when eric cantona retired, this is what he said:

"I loved the game but I no longer had the passion to go to bed early, not to go out with my friends, not to drink, and not to do a lot of other things the things I like in life."

nothing sensational, just brutal honesty. he went out like a king and cemented his status as legendary. who can argue with that?

world builders

2010-10-09T21:31:00.006+11:00

a source of inspiration. check out an awesome collection of essays from the writer's site World Building in A Crazy World.

here is a piece i find truly inspiring: "World Builders"

----------

The digital world, like the physical world, belongs to all of us, and not only to the companies who currently dominate it.

The digital world is not some magic land that evolves alone. The digital world is composed of the things we build there. Just as architects define the built landscape of a country, digital architects define the built landscape of the web.

Unlike the physical world, the digital world can support a boundless set of worlds within worlds—worlds for every human need. Many human needs are already answered online (though the elegance of the answers can always be improved), but many others are still without good online answers.

Human needs that have to do with authenticity, self-reflection, depth of communication, and real relationship-building are especially poorly answered online (at least currently). Maybe these needs cannot be answered online and require physical contact in all cases, but my sense is that they can, if only we design the right worlds to encourage and support them. Some such worlds probably exist already (indeed, the web is so vast that one can find examples of just about anything), but even if they do exist, they have not become widespread, and the predominate thrust of today's web is not around satisfying these needs.

Today's web feels more like one giant cocktail party, full of chatter, gossip, and he said, she said.

It is often called the social web, but “garrulous web” might be more appropriate. Yes, there is more social communication now than at any other time in the history of the world, but much of that communication is chatter. There is nothing wrong with chatter (and beauty often hides in chatter), but there needs to be a place for deeper, longer-lasting communication too.

You could argue that people will do what people will do, and that trying to change people's behavior is arrogant and foolish. There is truth to that, but people's behavior is largely influenced by the context in which they live. People who live near a ski slope are more likely to ski, as people who live in a city are more likely to hang out at bars. When we design spaces (real or virtual), we need to take responsibility for the types of behavior those spaces are likely to encourage.

We cherish our capitols, cathedrals, museums, monuments, and parks, but who will build structures of this stature in the digital world?

Ancient and beloved fields like journalism, publishing, and music are drowning in this tsunami of change. Students of journalism are wondering whether they should study computer science to stay afloat. But they should have patience. It is the job of journalists to do great journalism, and not to build platforms to disseminate that journalism. They should be able to trust those who build platforms to build them great platforms. But this has not happened yet—the digital world needs great builders.

Speaking especially to young students of computer science, art, architecture, and design—I would encourage you, as you imagine what you want to become, to consider becoming digital world builders.

Help construct our future digital world. Build honestly, naturally, authentically, beautifully, not motivated by page views or ad revenue but by what the digital world should be, in its purest, noblest sense. Articulate digital spaces that nurture the soul and the spirit.

Don’t leave it to today’s companies to solve these problems, as they will only perpetuate the same habits they have already adopted. There needs to be a new vision for the future of the web, one that is sensitive both to the human individual and the human collective, just like real life.

Toward the end of his life, the architect Frank Lloyd Wright often said that with 20 more years he could rebuild America, and give it an architecture that was organic, natural, and truly its own. Others called him arrogant for making these claims, but he would respond that a great nation should expect its great architects to build it great buildings.

The same is true for the digital world. The rest of the human race—the struggling journalists, the embattled authors of books, the makers of music, the normal folks who have been robbed of their individuality by today’s web—should expect its digital world builders to build them beautiful, honest, nourishing worlds.

10 kilometres

2010-10-04T05:27:00.003+11:00

45 minutes to go before the game starts (juventus-inter). the thing is i know it's gonna be shitty game but somehow i'm still looking forward for it. i suppose it's all down to the high hopes i have that juve will actually surprise me and win it.

it's different supporting an underdog team from supporting the favorites. i'm forced to go through the whole ups and downs. there's a feeling of nervousness before every kick off because i know the team isn't really up there yet with the big boys. it's like watching a construction work, a building in progress. the experience goes wider throughout the emotional spectrum...from joyous in watching the team perform surprisingly well to pure frustration in watching the same mistakes repeated over and over again. rooting for the favorites have a different mentality, victory is expected at all times..with the underdogs, it's about wanting to see them play well, improve and outperform themselves. in other words, it's more "human"..a more likeable story to follow.

speaking of outperforming...i registered myself for the nike 10kilometer run this sunday. i've never ran that far before and i'm dedicating this week as a "healthy week" as a build up for the run..should be fun seeing how this one goes.

oh and finally, found a place with good melbourne-quality coffee! checkout whisk@empire subang.

a cool video

2010-09-26T23:59:00.002+10:00

cafe de flore

2010-09-12T19:23:00.000+10:00

this goes in the list of places to visit. one day, insyaAllah.

ramadhan

2010-09-10T06:57:00.010+10:00

yesterday was the last day of ramadhan. it's amazing how fast things fly by as you grow up.

during the first few weeks when i came home, me and my mom discussed a couple of times about re-arranging the furniture in the house. one of the ideas was to convert the dining area into a tv area, since all of us have always preferred to have our meals at the kitchen table anyway. now that ramadhan's over, i think it's safe to say that idea can be scrapped for good.

since the beginning of ramadhan, my mom have opted to use the dining table instead. it felt a bit formal and strange at first, as we had always reserved the dining table for special occasions and serving guests. since the amount of food served will be more than usual for the whole month, i suppose it was only natural to start using it anyway.

then a pattern started to slowly emerge. everyone had their own seats at the table, and not even once anyone's ever switched positions. the sliding door at the back of the dining area was always kept open when we have our sahur and buka, and it felt nice having our humble garden at the back breathing cool air and serving as the backdrop for our meals. we changed the light bulb to a brighter one and upon flicking the switch, we knew the stage was set for our buka and sahur sessions for the whole month.

for me, the magic of ramadhan this year started early with our re-discovery of the 'new' dining area. while we had always dined together, the simple change has brought about a big difference in the house. the dining table has mediated more conversations, laughter, discussions and decisions this whole month than since it was first brought home several years ago. the only missing piece now is filling the empty seat next to me, a matter which will hopefully be addressed when my brother comes home, insyaAllah.

i guess it's time the kitchen table, which we have had in the house for more than 20 years, to have it's long deserved break. i believe it has found a new life and reincarnated as the house's official coffee table and smoking area. after reading this over again, i find it amusing how pieces of furniture can dictate and affect our lives in unimaginable ways.

"We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink, for dining alone is leading the life of a lion or wolf." - Epicurus

the smartphone temptation.

2010-09-03T06:45:00.018+10:00

since i'm gonna be here i thought it will be a good idea to get a proper line for my phone. the digi prepaid is quite annoying with it's frequent sms-es about just everything from credit balance to promotions to usage details. you cant imagine how annoying it is to climb out of your bed to check an sms that turns out to be some random indonesian gossip/news. the irrelevance of it is just mind boggling.

since my phone's broken too (the screen has cracked to the point where the lcd's liquid has sipped to the screen and making it ultra difficult to read anything) i suppose it's sensible to consider getting a new phone while at it. i can literally taste the guilty pleasure there. being the geek that i am, the idea of getting a smartphone is very tempting so i started doing a bit of research to navigate my options.

the outcome is a bit dissapointing, but not totally hopeless. the only sensible and sane plan out there is digi's. celcom's and maxis's are literally insane as they charge for limited data usage on top of calls/texts that could easily climb to rm150 per month. digi's plan could reach that amount too, but not that easily (at least in my situation). i think their plan averages about rm100 per month with unlimited data. i think such freedom of usage is as valuable as for economic reasons, so it's quite a good deal.

the only way to get a new smartphone cheap is to sign up for contracts but that comes with an extra price; being tied to the telco for at least a year. being tied to contracts is bad enough, even worse when it concerns something i use so frequent. the initial investment needed to get a smartphone is already around rm1.5k - 2k so to commit a piece of my conscience and freedom to something that so easily could get out of hand for 2 years isn't probably a good idea.

some conclusions i can make are this; getting a smartphone is quite a hefty investment and the telcos here don't have anything good enough yet that can convince it's a good one. ways i can think of to go around this is to buy one outright for a bit pricier and sign up for digi's plan for no contract. that way i have the freedom to use the phone however and whenever i want it (even sell it if i wish to) and only manage calls usage, just like how using a phone has always been. however i think it will be more competitive soon and the telcos will come out with better (more sane) plans. a more important question is if i have the patience to wait for that to happen...

this is turning out like a personal battle. hmm maybe raya can work some magic to help me out with this one

meanwhile, check out this awesome band.

my own summer

2010-08-29T11:54:00.003+10:00

i'm taking the semester off.

now that the dust's settled...i can start moving on to other things. on a positive note, this could very well be the last time i'll be getting a break this long.

note to self: do.

meddling

2010-08-16T09:08:00.008+10:00

watched The Ghost Writer at a friend's house today. the dvd seller approached us at the table today and somehow today my friend decided to have a look and buy some. now i see the sense in this table-to-table business model. you get access to the semi-interested market and also maintain regular customers.

basically 'ghostwriters' are people who are hired to write on behalf of someone else. for example in writing autobiographies, memoirs, drafting articles and so on. they write works for authors and musicians too, by imitating their style. i would have guessed that such profession exist but i didn't knew it could be to such extent.

the movie was quite a good thriller, the type that doesn't care much about you understanding what's going on at the start and slowly waits for you to catch on. ewan mcgregor fits nicely playing the ghostwriter and the story was turning out to be quite interesting too. the bad news is i didn't get to watch till the end as it was still running by the time i had to go back for sahur.

we were talking about car maintenance at the dining table during sahur and my mom pointed out how none of us are interested in it. my dad is quite adept in this area of knowledge and i bet most of his generation are as well. i replied that this was probably due to how cars were built and sold back then and how it is now. older cars were probably built in a way that made the insides accessible to people, maybe due to the nature of things or the industry at that time. nowadays they are proprietary and the only one who understands and has full access to change anything are the ones who built it. when you pay for the car, you get the privilege to use the car but the rest of the it are pretty much none of your business or in other words, not entirely yours. the maintenance costs and such are part of the whole deal. for practical reasons or whatever i don't know, but the whole approach does sound fundamentally dodgy.

i then mentioned about that's the way things are with proprietary computer software as well. you don't get access to the 'insides' as they are closed. it's like buying a radio or mobile phones that can't be opened. with free and/or open source software, the 'insides' are available for you to see and dive into. so if a problem happens and you're interested and motivated enough to fix it yourselves, you are free to go ahead and do it. my mom's response to this was 'i see, it's more human' and i guess she's right. a common quote for free software is 'free as in speech, not beer'.

i suppose that's why we've been able to sustain a few of the older computers in the house today. my brother introduced me to linux at an early age and luckily i was interested and motivated enough to play around with it and repaired and changed stuff as i see fit. my interest probably would have died if we were only using windows..not that i have anything against them. i suppose the world needs all kinds of people and systems. and customers.

...

oh well, happy ramadan. it looks like i'll be having a looong holiday.

nostalgia

2010-08-03T07:47:00.006+10:00

i've been home for more than a month now and the inevitable happened, nostalgia. more like it occurred more often lately.

i wrote a long post about nostalgia but in the end it came down to this: if you put nostalgic moments and current or recent events side by side the most significant difference between them is your valuation of life (and other things) in general. the difference in the way you saw the world then and the way you see it now is what makes nostalgic moments fascinating; it makes you try and dig more of it because they used to be the things you lived by. values inside you that you had, and may still have. you start to recognize it the moment it hits you, and if you look closer, they are actually what you are trying to recall.

i think it's important to realize this because if those values are good values (you know they are good if they are fond memories) then you must have done things right at the time. good values usually results in good actions, and good memories.

i'd like to think nostalgia as nature's way of telling you which memories are worth having and revisiting. as if they are ingrained there as footpaths to yourself.

July 2010

2010-07-12T08:19:00.004+10:00

its the middle of the month of the middle of the year and two months and 10 days leading into a quarter century of my life.

world cup ends today

my phone broke yesterday

a good friend got married yesterday

semester results are out today

tomorrow is tuesday

it's probably a good idea to wake up early today.

since i'm in the mood of counting, its also been 3 years and 12 days since the first post...hmm didn't turn out to be much of a surprise.

the irony of choice

2010-07-09T05:34:00.012+10:00

sometimes i snicker at myself for coming up with things to write that sound so important or philosophical, like the title I'm giving to this post.

if you were in my position right now, you would be tempted to write something too. i haven't been home for a while and tonight i'm sleeping in the study room. there's this small lamp under the bed that gives out a nice little light that makes the room somewhat atmospheric that i couldn't help but to try and write something, anything.

anyways, i don't have much choice right now. the pathways are tabled right in front of me. I'd like to think of them as milestones, like those along highways (reminds of the long drives to JB during Raya). Simply said, it's pretty clear what i have to do to achieve this and that. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, instead i have a feeling that it could appear to be something good.

there was a time where options were in abundance in front of me, and i have to admit it felt good, to have options. it gives a feeling of control and conviction, because you know when you finally choose, you have mulled and weighed it over. it is to a certain extent the very meaning of freedom, having the luxury of choice.

i suppose the biggest obstacle to go through in having the luxury of choice is your own conviction. how do you know you are totally convinced to make a decision? and after that, a plethora of other questions comes which you have to deal with as well. it's a different case when you have less choice, the only questions are how and when to do it. when other things appear, the same approach applies. get it done with, wait and see what happens. the mantra is 'prepare for the worst, and hope for the best.' for such a simple mantra, i think it goes a long way. it's the ultimate lesson in learning what's good for you and what's not.

they say god has a funny way of doing things, and I think irony is one of His favorite methods. it makes you cringe first, and smile at it later.

stamp

2010-07-06T06:52:00.002+10:00

i'm stamping this entry as a promise to myself that i'll transfer this blog to somewhere new soon. it will be some sort of a thought digitizer..since i'm ocd like that.

go.

apparently...

2010-05-26T07:38:00.016+10:00

im still here..

and the first thing on my mind is i couldn't help wondering if anyone other than ones i know of reads this blog.

anyway i read somewhere about jose mourinho's philosophy of his playing style which goes something like "if the opponent can't score, you cant lose. and if you manage to nick a goal or two, you'll most probably win." in other words, if you focus on not losing first and then only on winning, then you will have a better chance at winning. while winning certainly guarantees you not losing, focusing your efforts on winning seems to be a more risky approach.

trying not to lose is more of a disciplined effort, which can be worked through training for mental and physical persistence and stubbornness. trying to win is similar, but requires creativity as it needs a breakthrough. hence, it is more risky as creativity means breaking out of the conventional.

also, the other day i read on website that reports discipline has a higher success rate than talent. i didn't read it much further but i assume it is much related to the above. while discipline is a dull and boring affair compared to raw talent or bursts of creativity, one cannot deny the effort in a show of discipline. and fairly enough, from effort comes reward.

inevitably it comes to my mind this question, how do i take this approach of not losing to life? i guess to start you have to know what you're trying to win. and that means, what you are trying to win and not what the world tells you should win. if you're trying not to lose what you should win, it means you're implying to yourself that you're putting your efforts on what you shouldn't lose, and that isn't a strong conviction to build a disciplined effort. it's easier to imagine the consequences of losing something you shouldn't lose but you can't imagine the consequences of losing something you couldn't lose. so there's two ways of looking at it, knowing what you want to win and/or knowing what you couldn't lose.

however i don't think there are winners or losers in life, just participants. i guess that's the whole point of fighting for a future..having faith in it and never giving up.

maybe one last one

2010-03-30T03:00:00.000+11:00

because it's too beautiful

When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.

- Tao Te Ching chapter 2

blue, yellow and grey

2010-03-18T05:51:00.005+11:00

these are the colors that probably went through my head everytime i write something here.

it's been almost three years since i've opened this blog..i think i've reached a point where i should stop writing here anymore. i don't have any particular reason why except that these colors don't seem to appear as much as before. most importantly, it feels right too.

the vibe or feeling i had since i created this blog and started writing entries into it has always been the same; i think i went through a period of time where most of my thoughts seem to appear and pass through in a particular way. i wanted to know about stuff that most of the time look like it didn't have any substantial weight but probably was relevant to what was happening with and around me. i entertained those thoughts and it has led me to a lot of places i didn't know i had interest in or existed before.

i think writing here has been some kind of a unique experience for myself..like i've gone through a huge maze and now i'm back to somewhere near where i started. a lot of new things are beginning to pop in my head which seem interesting to entertain now..things which likely wouldn't appear if i hadn't go round the maze. things that i seem to have put off for a long time.

i intend to open another blog in the near future..something that aligns with my interests that hopefully will help others who share the same interests too. i'm thinking of it as a way of me contributing back to the internet and sharing whatever i know and at the same time fill my time with something more productive.

anyways, i'm glad to conclude this blog with a warm feeling..writing here has always been fulfilling for me. if you are reading this and happen to come by often, thanks for reading and visiting this little corner.. till then, goodbye :)

lately

2010-03-01T06:30:00.006+11:00

a lot of things have been going on lately.

on a global scale, it's almost impossible to measure just how many things actually have been going on lately. come to think of it, on a microscopic scale too. most of it probably have a lot to do with routine work-of-nature stuff, but external non-routine stuff happen substantially too. on any other scale in between these two you can pretty much measure, although approximately, the going-ons of late. just read the newspapers, watch the tv or surf the web.

on a personal scale, it works a little bit different.

routine stuff happens and external stuff happens. but we discriminate the going-ons of late by our preference. what happens is they change sides every now and then. so sometimes you can have routine stuff take the highlight of your going-ons of late and sometimes the external stuff takes highlight. usually the determinant is your emotional state. when you're happy, routine stuff pretty much become exciting external events, and external stuff becomes something you anticipate to happen regularly. it sounds moronic, but then that's maybe because it is. these changes happen through the action of simply taking notice.

discontentment, or more precisely sadness, work in effect on the opposite.

when external events don't happen to go our way, the attention shifts to the routines. routines become the highlight of your going-ons of late. they become the direction, the purpose and all-important agendas of our daily lives. until things slowly go our way, the routines are there to stay as the highlight. it's okay for a while until you realize that you haven't gone anywhere and nothing from the outside is bothering to come or stop by your way. the only thing that goes on is the distance between the world and yourself.

that's when you pack your bags with the valuable stuff you need for your routines and walk down the road, probably stick out your thumb to hitchhike for a ride or two, while hoping for some direction or destination. when you finally do reach somewhere, you'll need to keep your bag and your routines, so that you'll always know where you came from. with a bit of luck and effort, maybe one day you'll finally be able not to discriminate your feelings and fate with what's been going on lately.

because the truth is, if you notice, a lot of things really have been going on lately.

by the way,

2010-02-07T05:39:00.004+11:00

i saw a friend leaving for good today at the airport. he's been through different periods of time (not literally) since i met him and he eventually came out good and settled and for that i'm glad and hope he'll do fine in the future. i'd say i'm quite inspired by him in some rugged way.

i saw people at the market today. a lot of people. i haven't been out in crowded places during daytime for quite a while...it's a good reminder of how the buzz of many people doing stuff do feel a lot more nice and alive during the day than at night.

i saw myself (in my mind) when i was fitter during football training today. i miss those days and i need to get back in shape because these extra kilos do make a lot of difference physically and mentally..especially when you are chasing a ball around the field. it's like pumping air into a flat tire..the air escapes faster than you can fill it up. and when you run out of air, it fucks up your mental perceptions. there's no worse feeling of powerless than that.

i saw up in the air today. it's a great movie, one of last year's best in my opinion. it follows the lives of people whose work is to fire people. it makes you think about a lot of things like when you're suddenly fired after years of working and building a career, what happens to all the long term loans and financial planning you made when you thought you had a stable flow of income? about all the hard work of your education, and maybe life, to still have your future to be at the mercy of your employers (which in the movie, don't seem to care) ? about the bank that asks you to put your money with them and once you do assume that it's theirs? about the lifestyle you thought you could have and keep but couldn't possibly grasp unless you've lost your soul?

yeah, that's it.

an entry

2010-01-22T06:32:00.002+11:00

it's friday today.

there's four of us in the room..two are already asleep and the other two (me, included) are trying to. we just finished watching two days in paris. only two survived to watch till the end. it's a pretty good movie but i think since i'm neither an american nor french i can't really appreciate the movie as much..i can only assume the concepts they are trying to say and relate as much as possible to my life and the lives around me. nevertheless a story is still a story, and when someone tells you a story you are supposed to listen not think about it.

i'm staying over at a friend's house since last night because i needed to get my laundry done since the washing machine broke down and i thought while i'm at it might as well stay over because it's summer anyways and people get together in this season. so we played poker and video games till early morning and woke up really late in the evening and rushed to the park to play football after we got an invite from my brother to help out for his office's league game. we lost the game but it's okay since the weather was good and we got to do some exercise. i cooked dinner afterwards and it was great because it had a fire stove which makes everything go much quicker. later we had coffee and i wondered since when did i pick up this "grown-up" habits like drinking coffee and thinking about eating healthy. then i finished a chapter on the book i'm reading now while watching a coldplay dvd with the fan on. i still think the fan is much better than air-cond.

after laundry's done tomorrow i've got some stuff to sort out in the next couple of days, some important and some not. i'm missing some people i haven't met for a while but i hope they are doing okay and i assume they are because i haven't heard any bad news so far about them. social networking on the internet makes me feel like i'm taking things for granted and maybe sometimes i should make real contact with the people i know instead of reading about them. i think i'll make it a point to make a few phone calls soon.

anyways it looks like it's going to be a hot day tomorrow and we are planning to go check out bicycles because my friend is interested in getting one. i'm hoping i get sleepy soon so i can fall asleep and get enough sleep but at this current rate it doesn't look like happening. talking about sleeping i found this "dictionary of dreams" book on the bookcase the other day while waiting for the washing machine repair man to do his job. he came at 8 in the morning and i had to go down and wait for him to do his thing when i saw the book on the bookshelf. i spent the time waiting trying to recall my dream and referencing it to the book. my dream had to do with riding in a cab with blonde white woman who happens to be japanese as well as being involved in some sort of a secret society at a bookstore with about a dozen people who each had keys to some sort of a locker. according to the dictionary, my dream had something to do with having a pleasant time with a girl, associating myself with someone with bad refute and having a good prospect of executing any project ideas or business that i might have. i got fascinated and i think i'll be doing more dream recalling in the future.

in the meantime, i'll try listen to some music and get some sleep.

2010

2010-01-08T05:37:00.001+11:00

be good, be kind, be brave.

words, action, gestures...shouldn't hurt.

happy new year.

the moment

2009-12-23T07:05:00.007+11:00

that makes a scene out of different pictures and tells the whole story. the point where it's either the story or the ending that is relevant.

that's when you wonder if that's what it's all about.

real world

2009-12-16T20:10:00.001+11:00

i thought i was gonna write something, but then it turns out to appear kind of contradicting and i got confused. So if anyone is reading this, i'd like to ask you what you think.

what does the statement "welcome to the real world" mean to you?

postcards from far away

2009-12-11T21:31:00.003+11:00

football, tv and t-shirts

2009-12-08T05:19:00.005+11:00

was talking to a couple of my friends about football over coffee today. indeed, it had to be about european football instead of our own local football scene. then we started wondering what happened to the local scene, which not too long ago used to be vibrant. an image of a passionate football culture in your own country is very much exciting. imagine going to the stadium after work to support your team in the local derby, or going all out with your friends for a cup final on a weekend. perhaps best of all, talking and arguing about local football passionately with your friends instead of leagues abroad.

whatever the cause of inclination might be, coverage of international football matches on the telly certainly played a big part. of course they were of superior quality compared to the local scene..they have so much history and have developed far ahead over the years. i'm guessing this is part of the globalization process, where international boundaries disappear and international leagues pretty much becomes everyone's leagues.

however i don't think this should be taken as an excuse or much too be worried about. come to think about it, effects of the globalization process could work the other way round than it is expected. while bigger international companies or corporations could be placed on every land on this planet, i don't think it will usurp the local commodities or culture wholly. in doing so they lose an important attribute; uniqueness, or exclusivity. when "branded" brands or "imported" products were hard to come by 10-15 years ago, people looked for them because they had that "rare and imported, therefore it's good" impression. For example every teenager back then wanted quicksilver or billabong t-shirts, now they want those local graphic t-shirts, and i dare that say they wear them proudly. now that most "branded/imported" stuff are pretty much accessible to everyone, people realize branded or imported doesn't always equate to being "special" or unique. or to put it better, people become better at judging such things. With information being the most freely accessible commodity on the planet today thanks to the internet, i think people will start producing things better by themselves..be it local goods or more vibrant cultures.

back to football..10-15 years ago people didn't have much options on what to watch on the telly other than the local league, except for those rare times when they showed european matches. people didn't get to make a choice because they were not presented with one. now that people get to choose, i think it will eventually hit them that having a football culture of our own would be the really "special" thing to have. The unique, exclusive commodity that we are looking for..just like the t-shirts.

a thought

2009-11-30T07:56:00.006+11:00

we want people to shut up when we've had enough to know. it's not necessary to actually hear them..reading about things they say can make us want them to shut up. it's not the actual noise that bothers, but the noises inside our head that comes from knowing things.

i suppose if we're full of judgments, pretty much every little noise stays inside our minds for a while before going out. our minds can only hold so much..no wonder we're easily bothered with petty things.

maybe i'll try experiment how much noise i can eliminate as a new year's resolution.

and maybe that's why sticky notes are so useful. it takes your own noise out of you and paste it on a little piece of paper..which you can actually throw away later.

look how they shine for you

2009-11-21T02:23:00.000+11:00

two months ago

2009-11-20T05:40:00.004+11:00

I've been calling the technical support line for my phone and internet provider almost everyday for the past two weeks. My phone line got cut off along with the internet due to a confusion with billing, which isn't exactly my fault. It's needless to say how cumbersome the experience trying to get them back on again has been. I'm not going to rant on that..even though it is tempting to do so.

It's hard to explain how a really simple thing can become such terrible experience. Taken from the simplest point of view, it's only a case of a mistake, a confusion in operations. What should be a discussion of solving a problem between a customer and a provider suddenly became a battle. A battle so bitter that I eventually got lost trying to figure out what exactly that I was fighting for. It seems that so much is at stake..paranoia of being ripped off, pride, rights, justice. It's amazing how a simple incident can spark so many emotions. Everything's so passionate all of a sudden.

That's when it struck me how I really needed them. I care too much to just lose it like that. The thought of it makes me sick but that's the truth. And that's true for most of us as well. It's not pride, ego, justice or doing the right thing that we are fighting for..it's them. We just can't afford to lose them and and their services. The modern society depends on such services that it has become a necessity. The absence of it makes us stagnant and disturbs our so called progress. Otherwise why are we so bothered when such things happen? Why does it get so ugly easily?

Come to think of it, there must be so much more to life than to be so bothered about not having the phone or internet for a while. There must be so many things more important than being worried about being ripped off or mistreated over such petty things. But it's impossible to deny this feeling of being challenged when such things occur. The thought of these forces going against you, taking what you believe as rightfully yours. Then comes the urge to fight. The fight to see who's to blame, who was right and who was wrong. A simple problem turns into a personal issue. It's a never ending, pointless battle. A vicious cycle that's never going to end. That's the way the consumer society works. It's a situation that will come up again and again over time until we decide to give them up for other things to take up the spaces in our minds. These things that we depend on are not in our power to control, but in the power of others. What we think we own is only an illusion of a loan, or debt.

People always either think that they're right or they have the right. There's no compromise when rights are concerned. Frustration comes when we no longer know which of our rights are the ones that matter. It's easy to get confused in trying to fit in and progress with the world.

What does it take to be truly free? I don't think it's to own everything..the only logical explanation I can think of is to share. Just like how this planet is shared.

stranger than fiction

2009-11-11T05:33:00.006+11:00

I watched this movie for the second time today. if you haven't watched it yet, I highly recommend that you do so. even though it's a will ferrell movie, it's more of a drama than a comedy..one that's intelligent, fun and thought provoking.

one of the things that makes the movie my favourite is it touches the "absurdities" of everyday life. absurd in the sense of how everyday things like brushing your teeth, crossing the road, having lunch or taking the bus look irrational or even comical when seen from a third person's point of view. most people hardly realize these trivial things because well, they are trivial. they are things that everyone shares in common. when these common everyday scenes are seen by a group of people in a movie or theatre it looks funny, because people could relate to it..it's too normal that people rarely talk about it. when they do, they delight in knowing that others share the same experience.

adding to the apparent absurdities of these everyday things in life, is the fact that people will eventually die. it's just a question of when, where and how. the movie takes these two elements and conjures up the script cleverly to build the story. if people live doing absurd things and eventually die, what exactly makes life worth living?

I think the film is closely tied to existentialist themes, which says that the fact that we exist is more important than to know why we exist. therefore it is up to ourselves to find meaning to justify our existence. accept the absurdities in life and decide by ourselves; be truly free. Drawing from a quote that I like by Albert Camus:

"Thus I draw from the absurd three consequences, which are my revolt, my freedom, and my passion. By the mere activity of consciousness I transform into a rule of life what was an invitation to death, and I refuse suicide".

first year high school economics 101

2009-11-07T09:48:00.006+11:00

i got this from an email, titled "first year high school economics 101"

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower. The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel. The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit. The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there. The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything. At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

reminds me of a documentary i watched about the federal reserve. if the money comes from one source which everyone loans from (and pays back with added interest) , it's going to be a never ending cycle.

eager

2009-09-30T03:05:00.012+10:00

the lecture hall was already full when i entered, even though i was considerably early. there's a mini test today and everyone's busy getting their seats and doing last minute revision before the lecturer arrives.

i found my seat next to a presumably local guy who kept fiddling with his phone when everyone else was discussing or flipping through their notes. i only brought my pen with me so i didn't have any options on what to do other than to observe my surroundings.

a lady who was much older than the rest of the class sat behind me. i could hear her conversation with her friends and it's obvious that she is quite nervous. they were talking about how terrible the timing of the test is and how there isn't enough time to study. even so, i could sense they were half hearted with their comments because they had laugh and smiles in between the sentences. the topic of the conversation was easy to carry on because it fits in the situation and invokes a common feeling among it's participants. it's safe and satisfies..just enough to fill time nicely.

i continued to look around and i see a lot of eagerness in the faces in the hall. i wondered what made this eagerness appear in them..where does it come from? what convinced them to spend their energy like this? i figured that there must not be one definite answer to this question...each of them must have had their own answers, regardless of how convincing it is to them. some probably chose to dive first and see as it goes, while others are very sure. they carry their conviction as far as they can..or the other way around.

either way i didn't have any of those. when i was eager, it didn't come with a question mark..and now that it comes straight at my face, i really don't know how to answer it. i tried to think of an answer, but none of them seems right. they seem foreign..so out of place. like finding a bathroom in someone else's house. you know it's there but you're still cautious in looking for it.

sometimes you don't realize that lose something until you start looking for it. only then it poses a lot of questions and becomes a challenge to find it again. right now i'm just glad that i know i have to start looking...

before the clock strikes 12

2009-09-22T23:10:00.004+10:00

i turn twenty four today.

it's not everyday that i get an "official" chance to have a say on life..so i'm gonna take it.

with relevance (sort-of) to the previous post, i'm deeply grateful that i'm here at the moment. there's no other place i'd like to be right now. i'm grateful to be surrounded by such great people, especially my family and friends. life has it shortcomings, but you people are the one that shields them from me..for that i can't truly express how thankful i am. what i can only say is, Thank You.

being twenty four here today, with the pleasure of knowing such wonderful people is the best gift i could ask for.

thank you God. sometimes i feel i don't deserve all this but i promise i'll keep doing my best.

this place needs to be a little upbeat..but meh u need to say these kinda things once in a while.

here

2009-09-19T05:06:00.009+10:00

whether when you are staring at the keyboard, looking at the foam ooze out as the sponge presses against the plate or staring at the tip of the pen as you are out of ideas of what to write..it only takes one little thought during that little window of time to spark a mixed feeling of wonder, amazement and eerie in your mind..

..the thought that you are here. that small, definite statement inside your head that stamps your existence in the present..void of the past and stuck in the moment.

next thing you know the current carries you again. everything moves so fluidly, and you're under the impression that you are the one that's moving forward..

..and the freaking clock just can't stop ticking and tocking..

apparently scrubbing the kitchen floor at 4am is food for thought.

talking

2009-09-12T07:03:00.010+10:00

for many of us, the things that we talk about with the people we meet revolve around the things that happen around us. the more in common the thing is, the easier it gets acknowledged and makes for a steady conversation. we comment on things such as the weather, the food we had, how busy we are and so on.

kids don't talk about these things. this is a thing i realize. i don't remember once talking about the weather or the food to a friend when i was a kid. i think it's either because for a kid, they aren't interesting or they are just too plain obvious to comment on. if the food is tasty gulp it down, if it's not don't eat it. same goes for the weather. sunny means playing outside and raining simply means no going out. it's fair to say that kids are oblivious to their surroundings and are simply in a world of their own. (which is obvious enough)

it could also be said that people tend to appreciate more about the world, or everyday things, when they grow up. simple things such as a fine weather or a good nap could determine if it's going to be a good day. it makes us feel good, and we acknowledge them. for a kid, a bad or fine weather won't make a difference..it's just gonna be another day for him to spend. that enough makes it not worth talking about to his friend.

i guess kids just can't be bothered to talk about the world..to them it's just natural. for us, the fascination for these "natural" events stem from the difference they affect us.. it's as if we grow up to be more and more self-centered..

points

2009-09-02T02:09:00.007+10:00

the holy month of ramadhan is here. besides abstaining from nafsu or desires, the month encourages good deeds and moderateness in everyday living.

another thing about ramdahan is pahala, which are bestowed in multiples during the month. i understand the concept of this as an encouragement for good deeds, as well as an opportunity to redeem our mistakes and sins.

however, viewing ramadhan as an opportunity window or as a chance to collect more "points" for our well-being, either for now or the future, is something i couldn't agree. i'm writing this because some articles published about ramadhan sort of push to this kind of thinking.

i couldn't say what i agree on, or if there is even anything to be agreed on. i would like to think of ramadhan as a month where we acknowledge our mistakes and weaknesses to our desires, and try to steer our way back in. if good and evil are as natural as anything in this world, then our acts in doing them are natural as well, regardless of "points" or "sins".

btw, besides "pahala", i couldn't find the opposite of sin on the internet. interesting

evening sun

2009-08-20T17:41:00.015+10:00

the weather is awesome today, and it has been so for the past week. since i don't wake up early to catch the morning sun, i only get to see the evening sun.

i've always been fond of the evening sun. it's not scorching hot and the rays aren't that glaring.. which back in the days, is perfect for football at the playground. you can bet that the boys will be there early when the sun is of the yellowish orange kind. no one will want to miss that..except those unfortunate enough to have tuition classes on the day. those who overslept will curse and probably even cry at their maids for not waking them up. those evenings at the playground is life for us boys. in that period of life, those two hours or so before azan maghrib are the most important hours in our everyday life. i dare say everything else pretty much revolves around it.

we play right until it's dark, especially when it's tense and no one wants to settle for a draw. cries for "last goals" are always just excuses to extend the playing time, because on days like that, no one wants it to end. sometimes the game does end early, either because not many are left on the field or there is a silent agreement to stop early and have a sit down. the place to sit was on a small hill overlooking the playing field, facing the sun. we acknowledged the fiery orange skies, nothing more than because it gives us the perfect conditions to enjoy our sacred evenings. and we silently hoped that tomorrow will be the same.

i was walking on the streets today with the evening sun above my head when the familiar feeling kicked in. an intense glare struck my eyes, and i had to squint really hard..as if it was mocking me. what used to be the backdrop of the best days of my life is now something that's left only to be appreciated as a wonderful sight to behold.

recounting

2009-08-20T04:10:00.009+10:00

in nausea, sartre wrote that living is monotonous, only by recounting it makes it seem adventurous. in a story, we are always fooled into believing that the main character takes notice of all events around him when the fact is that he is just passing by moment after moment in a monotonous way, oblivious to the details of surrounding sounds and sights.

only the fact that the character is recounting his moments and that he is recounting from the end to begin his story injects the element of adventure.

and so he asks...you have to choose; to live, or to recount?

not idea where he is getting at, but i couldn't agree more about recounting. right now i'm just waiting for football to start and am kicking myself because i haven't slept yet and for sure i'm going to be a zombie tomorrow.

"This is what fools people: a man is always a teller of tales, he lives surrounded by his stories and the stories of others, he sees everything that happens to him through them; and he tries to lives his life as if he were recounting it." - antoine roquentine

prepare/plan

2009-08-17T04:44:00.009+10:00

come to think of it, i would rather live a life full of preparations rather than one full of planning, no matter how fool-proof they are.

i'm not sure where the line lies between "preparing" and "planning", but they seem to be positioned at different ends of the same page. i guess the difference is more of between embracing what's being thrown at you and trying to control what's being thrown at you.

rather than only wanting to make friends with all the "great things" life has to offer, i'd like to tolerate and make friends with "crap things" and have them sit down together with all the other "great things". i think mishap and fortune co-exists with each other and they are the ones actually laughing at us when we try to push one of them away.

Kak Umi

2009-08-15T04:20:00.003+10:00

I posted this article by mom a couple of years back in my previous blog. I was looking for it everywhere and finally got it back. It's definitely one of my favorite stories I've read, and one which i am forever grateful to be apart of. Kak Umi was my "kakak" for more than fifteen years and one of the important people in my life. Damn i miss her..and the milo ais

Moving On Without Umi

This year’s Ramadhan eve brought to a peak a nostalgia that had been welling in me since last November after Umi, our housemaid since 1987, called from her village in Surabaya telling me of the unlikelihood of her returning to work in our home for another year to save up for her retirement, an intention that she had expressed earlier. Her four children were persuading her to retire as they could already support her. Pride and excitement clearly reflected in her voice as she spoke of them. She had sent all her earnings home to pay for their education in private residential schools and the best universities in Indonesia from where they have all graduated.

How happy she must be now reunited with her children and extended family in Surabaya. All the years that she was missing them, Umi took care of my own children, protected and pampered them. She has become an indelible part of their childhood and teenage years. She often talked about her children and I only finally understood her feelings when my own eldest son left home to study in Australia a few years ago.

She was beside me at every school sports, concert, band competition, speech day and staff family day. The family albums save her plump figure and soft face at every birthday party and open house, smiling amidst party hats and messy plates. She insisted on home made delicacies for the birthday parties and even mastered my own secret recipe versions for making lasagne and honey chicken. She knew which brands of spaghetti made the best pasta and which cheeses were best for burgers or salads. And I could not have made much contribution to the raya food fare at mum’s without her help. To think that she did not even know how to fry fish or use coconut milk in curries when she first came 18 years ago. Above her keenness to learn new things was her dedication to the children’s palate. Nothing pleased her more than seeing one of the kids going for a second or third helping.

She was quick to inform me when any of the children was unwell, paying particular attention to my asthma-prone son and was more efficient than me at packing stuffs for hospital admissions. She would urge us to go to the doctors when befallen ill while she herself would nonchalantly resort to her tiger balm ointment for all ailments from toothache to fever. .

Umi used to take a 2-month holiday once every 2 or 3 years, and it was during these periods that I realized how trivial my irritations were at her like, her clumsy piling of dishes in the rack and awkward mix of serving spoons. Even her television addiction did not seem so bad, at least it kept her from gossiping with the neighbours.. And I got glimpses of the most talked about shows and could keep up with the latest funnies in commercials. Yes, she watched Oprah and Friends, laughing in time with the studio audience. Besides being able to update me on who was leading on Akademi Fantasia or the world badminton circuit, she was always punctual for prime news, scanned most pages of Berita Harian and Metro and could discuss world politics with my sons. She was definitely more informed than I was and I sometimes wondered what she would have been if given more opportunities at formal education earlier. The Cantonese soaps probably diffused any PMS or homesickness too as she was hardly ever moody.

How could I complain? She woke up at 5am every morning. Immediately after her subuh prayers, she packed school snacks, did laundry, threw garbage, cleaned kitchen after our night raids, watered plants and tidied porch, etc., allowing me to linger upstairs. Life would be a buzz by the time I came down and I could have my cuppa in a clean kitchen before proceeding for a walk or to my computer. After telling her what to get from the fish monger and the menu for the day, I could dress happily for my appointments or sit at my computer till the sun came down again. Umi rested in between chores and she certainly deserved the couch during those times.

Umi made it possible for me to work long and irregular hours, attend to emails and calls promptly, complete assignments ahead of schedule and move on to more demanding jobs three times in 20 years without worrying about the sacrifice to my family as she was always there to hold the forte. She was empowered to check and nag, be it homework, tuition, music or Quran classes and was quite sharp with her reports. Colleagues envy my dedication, clients respect my efficiency.

I could take my own alone time to destress without much fuss and remain the perfectly cool mum my children are proud of. My family had better quality food as I had more time to plan meals, picking up healthy stuffs at the grocer’s and only had to tell her how to prepare them. Now they are no more healthy by the time I get around to cooking them or they just land in the garbage bin.

Taking up Umi’s routine has altered my life and consciousness in many ways. The heavy duty chores have made me more tolerant of moss, grease and smells. The weather is most important to me now as the clothes had to dry and the rain is so welcome too to spare me a round of watering the plants. It is nice to smile back at the garbage man who waits for my late bag and to chat with the housewives and maids at the fish monger’s van. They look so relaxed and I envy them as I have to rush to get down to my ‘office’ work. I have not played tennis for a year, not only because I cannot keep up with the group’s schedule any more, but also because my body feels too wearied by late afternoon for any exercise except for the stationery bike on which I can catch up with the day’s papers. No wonder Umi slept like a log every night….

The dawn is my first rush hour now and by the time I get to sit down for my cuppa, I am so exhausted with a million things racing in my mind, especially on days when the part-time maid is off. Little do my clients suspect that while taking their early calls nowadays, I sometimes have one hand in the cats’ litter box or holding the broom.

I was depressed for many months and even now I get the saddest feeling when I come down in the mornings to a gloomy living room carrying the full laundry basket. I miss the sound of Umi drawing the curtains and pulling back the glass doors to usher the early morning light in. For a long time I did not switch on the television at all. The cats probably knew as I fed them silently and ignored their pranks. Only my work and deadlines kept me focused. I had always thought she made brats of my kids especially the youngest one, but I realize now that it was me she pampered the most.

Umi came to work in Malaysia to provide her children with the best education possible and I hired her to enable me to do the same thing – we were two hearts with one mission. But little did I know then that the humble village woman would play a central role in shaping my family. For while cleaning and cooking, this surrogate mother brought love and emotional stability into our home which was often topsy-turvy perhaps, but cheerful. She tended to each child throughout her waking hours, giving them the kind of care and attention that a working mother would not have time to give. She laughed with them and cried for them, took interest in their grades, their little adventures and their friends who came by often. I know my children had a happy childhood, they say so in many ways. They understood why I was not always at home, and we remained very close through quality time together and they appreciated the little indulgences I could buy. Looking back now, Umi and I were like a set of parents in the frequent absence of my dinner-wheeling, globe-trotting corporate spouse.

Umi received a lot of education and new experiences in our home too, from which she has emerged to be quite a confident and well-spoken person. Why, she can even understand our exchanges in English sometimes! She is envied by her village folks for her children’s achievements and the fancy new extension to the family home that she has built and is now living in with all her children while her husband continues to work in Malaysia. While their lost years will be made up for as they continue to live in the extended family way, my children are leaving the nest and I am not sure whether they will come back to live near enough to us...

Dear Umi, I miss your big voice feigning irritation at the kids’ orders for ‘milo ice’ and your gentle voice reciting the Quran especially during Ramadhan. I miss putting in new plants in the pots with you, laughing at Chef Wan and discussing ‘cerita-cerita nabi’ in the kitchen. The children miss you a lot too. Well, perhaps we’ve completed our sacred contract that ends at the brink of our second adulthood, a period that we are not destined to journey together. You have truly been one of Allah’s blessings to us and I hope you do not have any regrets either for those 18 years with us. Goodbye Umi, my house manager, my friend and sister, ‘the wind beneath my wings’...thank you. We will surely meet again as we promised when you left, at our children’s weddings perhaps?

In my last article, I described myself as a home-maker first, then professional career woman, shocking my closest friends. Well, that’s what I felt then being in the thick of housework after Umi left on 17th October 2004. I have to admit that while I can pat my own back (though I can never manage time like Umi did), I think my heart will last out longer if I engage myself with more ‘brain work’ instead. I wonder whether I will find another kindred spirit in the lady from Medan who I am picking up at Port Klang tomorrow….

language

2009-08-08T10:10:00.003+10:00

i feel like learning a new one, or maybe few more. i'm thinking it's kind of cool to be able to see stuff and can describe them in different set of systems..so when i come to a certain situation or moment, i would know which language expresses them the best. e.g "bon appetite" definitely beats "enjoy your meal" or "selamat menjamu selera".

hm why didn't i think of this earlier

more angels than demons

2009-08-05T04:32:00.011+10:00

taxi rides were a major part of my childhood and schooling days. my father's office were in shah alam and no one else in the family could drive, so taxis was crucial in getting us around. here are some pieces my mother wrote about the experiences over the years.

More Angels Than Demons

Too many tarry tales of the abominable taxi driver have been poured down our memory lane that I feel compelled now to share some of my more pleasant encounters with this segment of service providers, if only to cleanse the stigma a little.

Dragon Angel

It was 6am when I had to rush my eight-year old son who had a sudden asthma attack, to Tawakkal Hospital. The radio cab arrived promptly that grey misty morning and I urged the driver to get us to the hospital as soon as possible. My son was coughing badly and vomited on a good half of the backseat before I could push a plastic bag over his mouth. I was already spluttering apologies when the driver turned around and gently told me that there was a box of tissues at the back, asked what was wrong with my son and then offered a bottle of “Poh Sam On” (translated “Dragon's Blood”), a very pleasant smelling massage oil for 'relief of breathing difficulties, stomach aches and other aches and pains'. He even told me to keep it as he had another full bottle to spare. For many years since that day, my son had been using it, not too often, but insisted on having it ready by his bedside and I even packed a bottle for him when he left to study in Australia. At 28, he may have grown out of it, but I still wonder if it was the memory of that very kind soul with his ethereal calm, or the oil itself that had soothed him all those years. I wish I had asked for his name or contact number, but my heart was in my mouth then as he dropped us in front of the emergency ward.

Father Figure

It was one of those occasional days when I made arrangements with my nine-year old son to pick him up at school on my way home from work. We had agreed on the specific time and spot to meet. The traffic jam delayed me slightly and when I arrived in the taxi, my son was not at the spot as promised. The road on Bukit Nenas was very busy and the taxi had to trudge back and forth while I made inquiries about my son. The taxi driver, a Chinese man in his forties, was very patient all the time and even offered to wait a little longer after I had given up searching myself, voicing his concern over how my son was coming home. I assured him that he would ride home on the school bus. As I got out of the taxi later, he quipped “Take good care of your children. They need you most now”. I wish I had better parting words of gratitude than just “thanks” accompanying the fare and tip, but then my anxiety had left me tongue-tied.

Tok Taxi

I used to charter a taxi for almost 2 years when my two elder children were in kindergarten and the baby in nursery. I did not have a a maid then and the reliable taxi driver was a crucial link in the efficient management of my daily affairs and my children's well-being. On top of the agenda was my baby's breastfeeding schedule. The old man was always punctual but I knew much later that he had a heart problem and did get angina pains during some of those journeys home ( when he would suddenly slow down and appeared detached). He had a gentle disposition and was always cheerful. He assured me that he was nevertheless under control and would not put our lives in jeopardy. I believed him. Besides I knew he needed the income. He was in the best of health though throughout his pilgrimage in Mecca. He also admitted laughingly (only after I insisted on knowing the truth) that my daughter did wet the backseat of the taxi during several of the long mid afternoon rides to grandma's when she fell asleep, exhausted after school. Our daily routines with the grand old Pakcik (Tok to my children) was a most enjoyable episode in our lives that we always reminisce with a tinge of sadness. He had retired to live in his kampong in Malacca. I pray that I will meet him again someday, here or in the hereafter.

The Debonair

Dressed in an expensive looking long-sleeved white shirt, Alan had a certain aura that immediately told me he did not belong in the taxi driver's seat. It was a short trip home, but he managed to tell me that he used to be a millionaire, but had lost all his money in Genting and his three wives had left him. He seemed lost but still kept his humour. I thought he could be in a hair cream commercial, but did not tell him so.

This other one, bespectacled and heavily bearded, baffled me, but the trip was also too short for me to interview him. I had hopped into his cab after watching my daughter's recital at the music college where she studied. He saw her and started asking me about her studies with a lot of interest. He spoke impeccable English in a genteel manner, so much so that I was conscious not to break into Manglish. He went on to say that children should be allowed to follow their passion and not be over materialistic, quoting his son who had been a successful IT consultant in the USA and was then home, too burnt out to do anything. Then he peered at the mirror and told me I had a beautiful voice, like that of Rubiah Lubis. As if he knew that I adored this not-so-well-known singer of the sixties! I felt quite elated as I alighted from his cab, watching my lady steps.

The Informed Citizen

There were also avid readers among the taxi drivers who would pick up the paper at every traffic light pause or continuously read throughout the crawling pace. Some would make critical comments about a particular newspaper's contents and style and even the journalists' credibility. Not that they all knew I was from the Straits Times. It was interesting feedback from the man in the street on the social impact of certain policies like the rap on traffic offences, trade offences, etc. Over the years, I gathered, from this sector of the public, conciliatory remarks on policies implemented under the Mahathir administration and awe for the leader himself.

Like you and me, the taxi driver earns a living for his family whose quality of life he strives to improve. Educational policies are one of his biggest concerns. Chan was proud to tell me that his two sons were doing well in UPM and another in Form Five. He was among the few who never grumbled about anything and has continued to drive his taxi till today even though all his sons have graduated and are holding good jobs.

Living It Up

Not all my journeys in the taxi have been pleasant, of course. I did get my share of fright and harassment from some drivers though these were few and far between. The wonderful ones I met had not only served me well, but had also given me many life lessons and a peek into lives on the other side of the fence.

What were the advantages of not driving my own vehicle during those years ? Besides saving me the stress of plodding through the jammed roads alongside other uptight drivers and risking road bullies, the reasonable fare was what I paid for the luxury of some solitude for introspection, a quiet read, snooze after a long day or just day dream (most drivers do not chat). It had enabled me to reach home in time for Asar prayers, banter with my children before they ran off to the field and before I myself ran off to the gym or into the kitchen. When the family gathered again for the evening, I was reenergised enough for another session of activities, having had a rest earlier on the road. Besides, I don't have to think about when the car was due for service, repair, tax, insurance or even if the tank was filled up for the following day.

Yes, given my inability to drive, the taxi was ( and still is) an indispensable vehicle for making my days productive, and the taxi driver my trusted friend....more often than not.

God sends down angels and demons, but He watches over all without a wink of sleep.

who are you?

2009-08-03T03:17:00.010+10:00

when people are much older, they are mostly known as who they are by their profession. so people would be known as a painter, a scientist, a writer, a banker and so on.

so did people grow up to "become" one of these professions? if then, what about people who didn't really "become" one of these? they surely aren't nobody.

i think in a society, there can only be two definition of who people are; a man and a woman. whatever profession people choose to be should be respected and treated equally, because it shows respect for a person's choice. the question of "who you are" seems to be more important than "what you do" nowadays. i think we all know who we are, we are humans..that's it. and people want to "become" one of these professions because it seems that it can in a way define them and put them in a higher place in the society. in the end it's the same air to breathe, same needs to meet, same food to eat and same planet to live.

i guess i just don't like titles and labels.

decency

2009-07-29T17:35:00.005+10:00

internet's been out for about two weeks, and still is. hence i (and the others) have come to adapt to new ways of life around the house. examples include doing more communal activities, like watching ellen degeneres and numerous other women filled talk shows during the day, animals and planet earth documentaries and streaks of tv series marathons.

and so i've succumbed to being addicted to entourage, despite the fact that i have prejudiced thoughts about celebrity thingies. i like the show, mostly because the way the characters communicate with each other. they lack decency.

they speak their minds out, and make little effort to care if it sounds rude or harsh. the thing that makes it nice is that because they know each other too well, decency is not relevant. most of the time, decency is about being careful with words as to not accidentally hurt people's feelings. but when it's a close relationship, it doesn't matter anymore because you know there isn't any bad intentions or spite in your words. and that makes for a good, honest conversation. it makes it appear okay to speak your mind out, and not to take things personally. sort of a professional friendship, in a good way.

how i wish i can talk to my real estate agent like that and not get kicked out of the house.

in the morning

2009-07-15T09:35:00.007+10:00

this morning, the streets aren't filled with that much with people. there are more spaces in between, it makes you notice the people that walks by with more detail. if they take a glance at you, they are not late or early, just having their normal routine..thinking what's in store for them for the day. if they're not, it's either their minds are elsewhere or they would rather be somewhere else at the moment.

this morning, it's not that cold. just cold enough to wear a couple of layers and let the jacket unzipped. it's nice this way because it keeps warmth while letting the occasional wind to graze you at the same time. you can walk at a comfortable pace at a weather like this because the cold doesn't bother much. at this pace, the breath kinda have this steady agreement with the steps, they don't try to overtake each other.

this morning, the sidewalks are wet and shiny. the buildings on the side appear on the reflection, making them appear kind of interesting. once the sun's up and dries them up, they will disappear and the sidewalks become bland and dull again. by then people won't really care about them anymore, at least no more from where they are going.

this morning, i am not heading anywhere. and that makes all the difference.

modus operandi

2009-07-04T05:20:00.009+10:00

i figured i'll try do a post about what i've been doing lately. i've never been good at this thing because i prefer to tell people directly what i'm up to..otherwise there wouldn't be any good basis for a conversation when i meet them. (real reason actually is there's nothing much going on)

i was in an unfortunate position of finishing my exams really late, which means i get to hang out in the library and the study desk more often than going out. since i work really slow, i miss out on more outings than i'm supposed to.

a good friend just arrived here to study. so me being an extraordinary friend, felt compelled to show him around Melbourne. then i realized that he's not on holiday and gonna be here at least 2 years, so instead i opt to just let him hang around the house and live peacefully. the exploration will come by itself..and i get to bum more.

i have this tendency to read books when i'm supposed to study. sort of a way to escape, while not feeling so guilty. so i read ZMM for the third time (still awesome, feels like a new read everytime), soul of a new machine by tracy kidder and the way of zen by alan watts. in the end, i learned more about those books than my syllabus.

other than that, sunday is football day, and every other day is everyday. if i'm on chef duty i'll cook (~90% of the time) otherwise an excuse exists to go out for dinner outside. i discovered a new routine to add to everyday, which also works very nice as an excuse to procrastinate whatever i'm supposed to do on the day (usually uni work); grabbing coffee at cafe crema. it's about 5 mins walk away from the apartment and the coffee is not bad. i've made friends with the people there but yet to know their name. they can guess my order and it makes me feel all important, so it kinda build up a bit of confidence for the day. the place gets a lot of natural light inside so it's nice to just sit and feel important.

and now that i'm on holidays, i just finished watching band of brothers and realized how fucked up a war really is.

o'clock

2009-07-02T04:29:00.010+10:00

i'm in the mood for writing but i haven't got a clue what to write about. let's see how this goes

so you know the thing called time. there's actually no time if you really think about it. it's just a concept, again for convenience. otherwise people can't live together, since we depend on each other so much. we need some fixed point where we can agree on something. in this matter it's universal motion. so time isn't real. what's real is there's sunrise and there's sunset. i am not sure about midnight or afternoon though..they could be real. yet we fret so much about this convenient invention. maybe because there's this race going on about achieving this certain success for humankind. i think that's a lie..it's more of a race against our own time. so as long as you don't disturb other people's time, taking your own time isn't really something of a crime isn't it? it's kind of liberating when you think about it, freeing yourself from this gripping convention. maybe that's why when u become so immersed in something and u don't notice how time goes by it's so satisfying..because it's liberating.

so there is time and there is no time. the only time i can think of is now..there i just missed it.

hmm now i'm kinda fond of the phrase "take your time"..it's sort of respectful :]

startling

2009-07-01T18:40:00.005+10:00

i gained 5 kilos..60.6 kgs now. never passed the 55 mark since forever.

that's another first timer. van damn

now i'm lost..

2009-06-30T19:21:00.005+10:00

nothing exciting is happening aside from me waiting impatiently for my mars volta cd (waiting isn't exciting actually). i've been listening to nothing else but these guys for the past month. they have been the best of companions during these busy periods..like having a masterful dark orchestra complete with a theatre for a background music.

and at the core of all that aggression lies a somewhat soft beautiful melody:

i'm stuck on this at the moment

so yeah they are really good and i like them a lot. please come back to melbourne.

nightmare

2009-06-25T01:41:00.004+10:00

so i've been talking in my sleep almost everyday lately..and yesterday i screamed.

always a first time for everything eh.

had a pretty gory nightmare, but i'll spare the details. funny thing is, i was screaming trying to scare the gory thing, instead of the other way round..wonder what's that all about.

AdSense

2009-06-24T01:36:00.000+10:00

lol

2009-06-22T16:23:00.002+10:00

words

2009-06-20T19:04:00.005+10:00

a method which our mind create to describe thoughts and things that we perceive e.g the use of language. ironically words are also the method in which we shape our minds, since we process our thoughts in languages we know.

does not that make it fairly true of the phrase "it's all in the mind?".

words are abstract in nature, for example if we say a tree we can imagine it in our mind as having green leaves, a brown trunk, many branches etc. in short a general, agreeable form. so words are never precise to begin with, since it represents things in conceptual and abstract form..more or less to simplify our thought processes for associating ideas and communicating.

so what about experiences we can't describe in words? were they just fantasies? or are they what's actually real? like uttering your first ever word, or learning to walk..you didn't use your hand to pick up your legs did you?

learning to ride a bicycle for the first time is the closest thing i can remember to having an experience of something "real". I can't describe it in words how I do it it, but I just did it. plus I must do it with full effort, otherwise I'd fall. after numerous whole hearted attempts, in the end I get a feel of the whole thing and it becomes natural. it's even hard to imagine how I could not do it before. can't explain how i do it, can't explain how i cannot do it.

imho, what we can't think of in words, aren't necessarily not real. it's just inconvenient for the mind to grasp. it might be even more pure than words can describe.

all this jabbering makes me want to learn chinese. :-]

a book to read

2009-06-19T18:54:00.005+10:00

if i can get a recommendation, it would be pleasant...like this smiley :)

maybe something not too thick, or sad. if it is thick and sad, but you think would be too awesome to pass up, go ahead.

interest

2009-06-18T02:38:00.005+10:00

i'm losing interest in a lot of stuff.

videogames.comics.toys. - these were my staples for enjoyment when i was a kid. i don't touch them anymore. videogames maybe yes, but compared to old times, nothing.

movies,music - i don't care much about new movies or bands coming out anymore. i used to not miss a single issue of rolling stone and now i struggle to finish even one copy at the magazine store. as for movies i only watch whatever is on the screen.

truth be said, i'm not sure where my interests lie now. maybe i need to lighten up but i don't feel sad. i don't feel like looking forward to anything, except tomorrow.

if there is anything i'm worried about, is if it's not my interests that i'm losing but my care for anything.

musings

2009-06-16T03:45:00.006+10:00

the decisions people make that made a difference..i'm wondering were they done because

1) they wanted to take action, or

2) they realized they had to take action?

if its because of (1) then its there is self-interest involved, for instance with hope of seeing a result or reaching a destination e.g a goal. which is nothing wrong, like having an ambition.

if its (2) it's because of realization that an action has to be taken because a strong awareness of the situation implies it could not be otherwise. you lose care or interest of what will,could or should happen..just knowing it has to be done.

why? because when i see some people, sometimes it feels impossible to think that things could have went different for them or their actions. it's like they do not understand more than simply knowing that they just had to do it..and everything else just falls into place. it's like waking up everyday, you just have to. sometimes with great effort, sometimes effortless..or rather pure effort.

so now the question is, am i here where i am today because i wanted to or because i felt i just had to?

basic

2009-06-15T01:59:00.005+10:00

a friend ordered food at a restaurant the other day. it works by filling out a form where you choose which food you want to order and tick them. when the food arrived, it turned out to be the wrong one, so the waitress took it back. the waitress then came back with the order form and showed it was indeed the correct one, and it was my friend who had mistakenly ordered the wrong food. acknowledging that it was a mistake, my friend took the food.

so in other words, what happened was the waitress knew that my friend had ordered the wrong food, and proved it to her by showing the order form she had ticked. therefore, the waitress was right, so my friend had to take the food.

well, it is a fair situation i suppose, from a business point of view. but it bugs me..because i don't get it. i think it's partially because of my dislike towards strict operation rules. rules that don't allow room for improvisation, in this case basic human sentiment. it's not that hard to judge the situation and realize that this is a case of hungry person who ordered the wrong food. please don't start having petty thoughts like people trying to take advantage or something like that. be human..analyze, judge and decide. at least go through that first before the rulebook. a process/rule is supposed to guide people, not own them..realize that you have liberty, and exercise it.

a poem

2009-06-06T17:18:00.003+10:00

a poem brother showed me that i'd like to share

    He who seeks truth shall find beauty
   He who seeks beauty shall find vanity

   He who seeks order shall find gratification
   He who seeks gratification shall be disappointed

   He who considers himself a servant of his fellow beings
        shall find the joy of self expression
   He who seeks self expression shall fall into the pit of arrogance

   Arrogance is incompatible with nature
   Through nature the nature of the universe and the nature of
        man we shall seek truth
   If we seek truth we shall find beauty

   ~ Moshe Safdie

moblin

2009-05-31T22:58:00.004+10:00

a reason to get excited about getting a netbook.!

moblin

2009-05-28T17:19:00.000+10:00

just keep that going

2009-05-25T16:57:00.004+10:00

just when i'm about to fall asleep on my table...

this mofo makes me want to live.

fuckin hell i'm gonna grab an apple..yearrgghh

wargh

2009-05-25T12:02:00.007+10:00

time and time again, Dr. M's advise when he gave his talk in melbourne keep coming back at me..it sounded something like this

"when you're a student, you're supposed to study..not rioting on the streets. study first, and then you can do whatever you want."

well i don't do riots..but i do think and do a lot of other stuff that are not related to my studies or maybe impractical / inappropriate for the time being. questioning stuff or rebelling against something deep inside when there's actually no need to. my studying days are nearing the end (insyaAllah) and it's sad knowing that after this there won't be that much time for me to freely dive into anything i want. i like studying, in the sense of there being no pressure of having to be practical about what it is or for what purpose. yeah i know they say that learning never stops but this period of life is like the official time period for actually learning stuff and where no one's out to get you...after this it's all about efficiency, practicality and keeping up..

hell, what do i know..i'm just a 23 year old student

noise

2009-05-23T10:38:00.007+10:00

i swear simply blurring unfocused windows takes out a lot of unwanted noise in your head (i'm excited by this discovery, the relief is like getting a good rub on the head.)

open world

2009-05-22T05:29:00.004+10:00

was reading about open source the other day, and this phrase kept lingering in my head, "solving common problems."

it only makes sense doesn't it? solving common problems being a priority in a development of a technology or solution for something. someone finds a solution to a problem, publishes it, other people profit from it and contribute to making it better. it takes monetary profit out of the main scope, and focuses on the problem itself first.

when seen from the view of people acknowledging that there exists a common problem, it sounds right that everyone have a freedom to access and contribute to a solution. it serves the interest of everyone, especially those who are interested in the problem..thus not forcing anyone to participate. incentives, such as profit, comes in different ways such as creatively making use of the solution to solve more specialized problems or making an effort to provide extra support and services.

i think we are heading more and more towards an open world. now with access to information being virtually possible to everyone over the internet, i think the stupidest thing that can happen is that people let anyone assume control over it.

chelsea - barca

2009-05-07T07:12:00.012+10:00

barca didn't look like they believed they could win. they looked tired and uninspired. when iniesta scored that goal, i could not believe it. i don't think anyone on the team could either.

chelsea, as ugly as they played, i think deserved their place in the final. they played as a highly organized defensive unit and worked physically and mentally well. they took everything into account in their tactics and executed it perfectly..they played their cards right from the beginning till the end.

this was a weird victory to take. i wanted barca to win, and so did pretty much everyone else..besides chelsea fans of course. but the game gave me a weird reaction, because i couldn't believe it. and i couldn't believe it because none of barca team including the manager look like they had the belief that they could win, especially after they went down to 10 men. chelsea, on the other hand, totally had that belief in their face and in the way they played.

so what went wrong was chelsea didn't take their (clear-cut) chances, and had two obvious penalty appeals turned down. barca got the only shot on target, which was less than a half chance, and it went in. in short, first chelsea fucked themselves up, then the ref fucked them up..then iniesta finished the job. at 92 minutes, with chelsea thinking they had scraped a win and barca looking virtually hopeless, it had to be messi and iniesta, the two most threatening player for barca the whole night, that combined to score. everyone's wish is granted, and barca is in the final.

i've seen comebacks..and they come with belief and inspiration. towards the end of the game, both were missing. chelsea we're too afraid to lose and barca didn't have the spirit to win. the balance was in the referee's hands, and his decisions shifted it to barca's side. when the goal came, it was as if they had won a lottery.

now im thinking, is this luck or science?

holy shit

2009-05-03T03:59:00.007+10:00

Parallel World, Parallel Lives

Parallel Worlds, Parallel Lives is a BAFTA - winning television documentary broadcast in 2007 on BBC Scotland and BBC Four, in which American rock musician Mark Oliver Everett talks with physicists and the former colleagues of his father - Hugh Everett - about his father's many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics.

first off, it's an awesome documentary and i don't want to spoil it to you. it's around 30 minutes..grab a peanut butter bread or something and watch it.

now what if, at every moment in time, there are different versions of you doing different things? so while you are reading this, there is another you watching the television and another you reading the newspaper and another you washing the dishes. what's ultimately experienced is the one that you choose to experience, which is the one reading this right now.

and what if, your destiny is composed of a number of you's doing different things at the same time? in short, many yous living in parallel. So it is indeed true that your destiny is already written..but which one you experience is down to choice. one path, many scenarios happening simultaneously. all of them will happen anyway, but which one will you experience?

I know it sounds absurd, but if you've seen the video you would know that it's proven that one single particle can be at two different places at the same time. Under no external conditions, the single particle can be here and there simultaneously..but under certain conditions (e.g simply being observed), the particle chooses where it wants to be. so the particle is aware of it's surroundings and made a choice based on it. (this is theoretical, based on what i understand) aren't we a body of particles living under millions of external conditions?

anyways, these are just fun musings. i don't really believe or know all the formula and crazy calculations associated with it but it's interesting to know because these stuff can actually make sense with the little things in life you thought were just mere coincidences.

like what the oracle said to neo "Because you didn't come here to make a choice, you've already made it. You're here to try to understand why you made it."

dread

2009-05-02T03:07:00.005+10:00

have we been conditioned, from when we were young, to dread doing work?

it's bugging me. why do we dread doing assignments or work, when it is ourselves that choose to get into it? the thing is, it's not a question of choosing to dread or not, it's automatic. and it doesn't matter if like you doing it. The process is:

1) the dreadful feeling kicks in
2) fight the feeling
3) either overcome and conquer the dread and get done with it or just drag yourself painfully till it's done.

maybe since we were in school, there were too many times that we've been put through doing mundane homework and tasks that we've become to expect dullness and boredom when it comes to doing work. and the thing that's more annoying is, we'd rather do other things, things that we normally do everyday anyway. work has become like a hurdle that we have to go through first before moving on to doing other things. so when work becomes necessary, we dread it.

my conclusion: we dread the undesirable consequences when we do not do a necessary task. you don't do laundry, you don't get clean clothes. you don't study, you're not gonna get good grades. you don't shower, you're not gonna smell nice.

does work, when it becomes necessary, have this psychological effect of making people feel they are forced to it?

or maybe this is just a very pessimistic rant because it's nearing the end of the semester. btw, i don't hate my work, i just hate the dreadful feeling of having to do it..which i do not understand why.

april

2009-04-30T17:15:00.002+10:00

quite possibly the next fastest month after february.

angry monkeys experiment

2009-04-24T09:38:00.007+10:00

came across this while flipping through a textbook

basically a group of scientists put 5 monkeys in a room with a ladder and a banana on top of the ladder. Everytime a monkey climbs a ladder and tries to reach for the banana, the whole room gets showered with ice cold water. Of course, the monkeys were pissed every time that happens. After a number of failed attempts, the monkeys don't dare to even get near the ladder.

One monkey is then replaced with a new one. Being a noob, the clueless monkey tries to climb the ladder..only to get beaten up by the others. The new monkey doesn't know why he was beaten up, but he got the message: don't go near the ladder. The rest were then replaced one by one, and each new one gets beaten up for trying to reach the ladder. At the end of the day, none of the new monkeys tried to reach the ladder, even though they don't know why except that they will get beaten up if they tried to do so.

Okay now make up your own moral of the story.

question

2009-04-24T09:29:00.000+10:00

is it possible to be efficient, but not practical?

siamese dream

2009-04-21T03:28:00.007+10:00

Sweet sweet sweet sweet
Little agony
I dont know just where youve been
But Ill take take take
All that you have for me
In sin
Where are we going?

And they all want you to change
And they all want you to change

And the sad sad sad
Faces drown
In this town
Where are we going

And they all want you to change
Where are we going
And they all want you to change
Where are we going

siamese dream..best sp album evar.

sunny side up

2009-03-29T17:22:00.005+11:00

Obama's Marijuana Mistake Followed By Harvard Professor & Ron Paul

funny (and true, in my opinion)..from the comments section

Darkstar2000nds: If Marijuana was legal and sold in stores people would still grow it as they would sell it cheaper than you can buy it in the stores as the stores would tax it high and sell it for a good amount . Like I said people would still grow it and sell it cheaper and still make good money .

JSErwine: If this was the case, everyone would still be producing all their own food, housing, clothing. But they don't because for most people it's to time consuming or do not have the knowledge.

I dont grow my own tobacco or make my own beer.

lol

anyways, i think ron paul is one candidate that really knows what's he talking about and focuses on facts and common sense. it's sad that he didn't get the attention he deserves.

dilly dally

2009-03-29T04:14:00.006+11:00

okay this is gonna be very geeky

a computer program is created out of bytes. it gets it's substance through electrical pulses. this is unlike tangible objects, which are made out of the combination of materials. when the power is off, the computer program gets stored in the disk. when the power's on again, the bytes reararrange themselves back to the way they were before to form the computer programs. in essence, a computer program is an idea that gets put to life through the manipulation of electrical pulses (signals), which in turn form the bytes accordingly.

what i realize is, a computer program is created purely out of energy. it can be interacted with, changed, updated, deleted and so on. so it's a direct first-hand handling of information. programs feeding information to one another and updated accordingly. Other tangible objects such as buildings, cars, rulers, ovens, et cetera is created from at least one thing or a combination of things. The information of a particular object is contained within the context of that object. So in an object, you have a structure of information based on its materials and the way it's built (mechanism), for example a toaster or a bicycle. Knowledge of handling those information determines the purpose and usage of the object.

Anyways, one thing led to another and i stumbled upon this

n physics and cosmology, digital physics is a collection of theoretical perspectives that start by assuming that the universe is, at heart, describable by information, and is therefore computable. Given such assumptions, the universe can be conceived as either the output of some computer program or as being some sort of vast digital computation device.

Digital physics is grounded in one or more of the following hypotheses, listed in order of increasing boldness. The universe, or reality, is:

Essentially informational (although not every informational ontology need be digital);
Essentially digital;
Itself a colossal computer;
The output of a simulated reality exercise.

which led to a discussion with brother and a fellow friend..and led to this video. If you have around 4 minutes free right now or later, do watch this because it is very much interesting. albeit a little bit off-topic.

"I find the idea quite intolerable that an electron exposed to radiation should choose of its own free will, not only its moment to jump off, but also its direction. In that case, I would rather be a cobbler, or even an employee in a gaming house, than a physicist". - Albert Einstein

enthusiasmos

2009-03-28T04:54:00.004+11:00

it's been more than a month

a couple of drafts with no sight of them being posted. it's like writing a high school composition where you are supposed to have at least 4 or 5 "isi penting" but you only have 2 and you know you are fucked unless you come up with made-up ones and try your best to make them look important. By the time you spend too long thinking, motivation's lost and the focus is on getting the goddamn thing done so you can do...other things.

and by the time you reach the conclusion, you get the satisfaction of completing a task, which is far less satisfying than the satisfaction of those rare moments when you really finished a piece with true conviction of your introduction, ideas and conclusion. Then you hand in your work and you know its gonna be a big,fat red tick with an A at the bottom of the page.

(i just like small letters instead of capitals, hence the ignorance of capitals-at-the-start-of-a-new-sentence.)

bias

2009-02-15T10:04:00.005+11:00

article

the story is about a man who supposedly beheaded his wife, but the highlight seems to be on that he is a muslim who founded a muslim tv channel.

and they're stressing on that right from the first paragraph.

people are being fed the same shit everyday yet they still don't know what they are eating.

conflicts

2009-02-05T06:42:00.003+11:00

my 2 cents on conflicts

most of the time, before anything else, is about misunderstanding. When ego comes into play, spite sneaks in as well.

So in the first place, it isn't spiteful. When it isn't spiteful, why let it hurt much?

a convenient truth?

2009-02-05T01:15:00.005+11:00

Poincare pointed out that between two concepts, none is truer than the other. Facts are selected based on the basis of convenience, rather than truth. The argument for this being there are simply too many facts too choose from in a given situation, and handling them means eliminating useless ones and choosing the ones most fitting.

Well, that sounds rather true and convenient.

chaplin and hitler

2009-01-26T17:27:00.003+11:00

a friend showed me these

equals equals

2009-01-15T10:27:00.002+11:00

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." - Holden Caulfield.

the cynic spoke the truth.

soul sacrifice

2009-01-13T21:50:00.004+11:00

I swear this is the instrument playing the player. never knew santana was this macho.

08-09

2009-01-05T07:25:00.006+11:00

I'm not really good at writing reflections and the likes..so if there's one significant thing i can recall from 2008 is that it's a year that I realized this is a period of time where it's more useful to shut up and learn rather than talk and learn.

As for 2009 resolutions, i figured i'll start with waking up earlier everyday and start picking up from there. Difficult, but doable :D

Merry new year!

giving a fuck

2009-01-05T05:38:00.005+11:00

I read in the papers about america saying they're leaving it up to israel to do whatever they want.

well it makes perfect sense

why would the president give a fuck when he's going out of office in 2 weeks? might as well go out with a bang.

so everyone, let's start giving a fuck about our lives and others as well. In a way that doesn't annoy, of course. Because it's inevitable that whatever you do does affect others. You can't make everyone happy, but you can make everyone not unhappy.

Happy 09'..wee

spots

2008-12-26T12:17:00.003+11:00

i'm dumbfounded.

i'm not sure what changed, the things around or my perception of things around? if it's the former, then i am merely adapting, if it's the latter, i can't figure what's made the difference.

it's easier to understand matters as it should be rather than as it is. just how cloudy my judgment is.

expectations

2008-12-20T07:29:00.005+11:00

do people cope with people's expectations or their own?

from primary school up until uni, i think it's more or less set expectations, e.g grades. The bar is set is to how well you perform. It's up to you to determine how good you want to be but the determining factor is not set by you. It's either you get the results or not.

Once uni's over, it's a chance to work within own expectations. That is, if there isn't any external factors to interfere with your decisions. But i think it's more difficult to work within your own expectations, because there isn't any guaranteed outcome of what the results will be, and the determining factor is set by yourself. The experience itself could be pleasant, but the end result might or might not be.

The price of freedom?

a-hole

2008-12-18T14:47:00.003+11:00

i've been sleeping like an a-hole lately i'm starting to think about the future. Been eating double portions too.

Can't think of any good that can come out of those two except getting fat.

In other interesting news, evol is playing at frangipani langkawi for new year's. So come down there if u haven't any plans yet.

p/s: Step Brother is epic material, please watch it and pass your recommendation to your beloved companions, friends and families.

beautiful machinery

2008-12-16T15:03:00.004+11:00

i spotted this on elizabeth street some time ago

googled it up, and now i want one. i'll try the secret on this one and see how it goes.

la sorrentina

home

2008-12-16T13:15:00.004+11:00

Nothing has changed.

Except everything. Thats neither good nor bad. Just normal..as usual.

That's why it's always nice to be home.